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    Wednesday, December 3, 2008

    About justice

    That jerk is a piece of shit, he is doing something illegal; the police office is a piece of shit, they said there was nothing they can do; i feel like a piece of shit, i'm powerless, i only can just look at them doing the things i hate.

    there is no justice, so there is Dexter. i wish im Dexter.

    Sunday, November 30, 2008

    no ginger pls

    i dont like the taste of ginger, so i pick it out from my plate and throw it away. maybe someone else will love it, but that doesn't matter.
    or maybe ginger doesn't like me, because of the stupid personality; but the ginger never been to my mouth, how could it know what kind of person i am? possiblelly we could get along very well.

    but anyway, it's all done now.

    oh, sorry, ginger means guys... sounds a bit silly, isn't it?

    Friday, November 28, 2008

    Thoughts when just out of shower

    i always do things that are not fit for me or not good for me. like drinking, smoking in the bar or trying so hard to get the guy who has no interest in me.

    last year, when the time that i never take any alcohol, my life was a disaster, i was a stupid sad poor thing, i was so unhappy.
    i started drinking, i had lots of fun, i do whatever i want to, never care about what other people think about me.
    but i got fatty liver.

    and it related to guys also, always that i like a guy, but he plays hard to get, and i get annoyed, i piss him off, i think its over, then he comes back to tease me again, i want him again, but he is just teasing me, so i get pissed, and i freak out, and finally i'm the crazy one.
    i mean whats the point? you guys could just tell me to fuck off or in a gental way 'sorry you are not my type'

    so im really done with all of the hide and seek game, i know im young, but i dont want to waste my time.

    I'm really cant afford to play another round of the game.
    Wish you hot guys all the best.

    Thursday, September 18, 2008

    Thursday

    i used to think this person was sooo arrogant that i would never want to get to know him. and maybe i should say i hated him.

    but today when i passed him the cards, his hands were trembling, and he was really excited and impressed by the cards.

    i felt really bad that i thought about him before.

    Monday, April 21, 2008

    fat fightig, running, Mr, S

    Mr. S and i met on 28th Mar 2008, Eddy's Bar. now it will be a month soon, i still feel happy that i didn't cancel the trip to shanghai the last minute, sometimes, the window will be open just at the unexpected time.
    With the past experience, I'm handling carefully between him and I. being more thoughtful, being more patient. With less sense of insecure, I'm quite happy about what I'm having now.
    I got the 7th of the Running, 5K is a lot harder than what i thought, although i lose the betting, but i got much more benefits from that. And most important, i really really need to think about my life style, and speak of life style, I'm talking about controlling my strong desire to food.

    So later on, a healthy life style plan, less paranoid, more endorphin, work on hard between Mr. S and I :)

    Sunday, March 30, 2008

    untitled

    OK, now god opened another window for me, so can i really take this chance to get out of the trap to get what i want? i really don't know. for the most important i don't know what is outside of the window.

    Monday, March 24, 2008

    untitled

    "hey, why you look sad?"
    "really?"
    "yea!"
    "damn it, i tried my best to look happy." "is this better?"
    "no no, too many teeth" "ah, thats better"

    Saturday, March 22, 2008

    坏天气

    最近的天气不是那么的好,所以情绪难免会被影响。为了让自己能有足够的快乐,把抑郁的心情踢到最边缘,我开始疯狂吃零食,主食,一切能满足我的味觉和肚子的食物。吃了晚餐,尝了蛋糕,最后还颇有理由地喝完一整罐的酸奶,‘帮助消化’。于是新的问题来了,每次酸奶完之后,强烈的睡意便来侵袭我,有好几次直接躺在椅子上小睡了1小时左右。

    我知道,这一切让我看起来都是那么的悲哀。办了健身卡,但是没有去的动力;一个人睡觉,太孤独,于是J在杭州的那段时期,总算是有人躺在身旁,但是我的鼾声却止不住;吃的太多,而且也不健康;给别人做了精神寄托,但是自己却一直彷徨,一直孤单。

    对于这些我实在是找不到彻底根治的办法,于是我便任其自然,开心了,我大吃大喝,伤心了,我还是大吃大喝;坦然地面对改变不了的现实,但时不时也小小期盼下不久的将来可能会能得到的生活。

    Tuesday, March 18, 2008

    Death

    30 were killed in Tibet, sad.
    2 were killed on the pavement of BJ district by a car which the driver was not even drunk, sad.
    1 car down in the street of office passed by me with only 1cm distance, lucky?
    Me still alive, moody.

    Friday, March 14, 2008

    奇怪的梦

    在梦里,我会开车了,于是我疯狂地在城市里穿梭,不是我渴望的美国高速公路。 没有任何缘由地被人追杀和追杀别人;没有任何武器,就凭着一辆红色的mini cooper。

    我身手敏捷,躲过了所有的攻击,但是看到心痛的根源时,我义无反顾地撞了上去,没有任何疼痛。

    Saturday, March 8, 2008

    21yo??NO!!

    Now i just realise that im only 21yo, which really bother me a lot. i took a long time to grow up, to suffer all those pain. i took a long time to get to where i am , and i thought 'well, now im old enough to make people think im really old enough to settle down with', but now, that fact makes me feel that what i want is still far away.

    Wednesday, March 5, 2008

    Loneliness

    2008-3-5
    23:10:49
    张至唯:
    每個人都是寂寞的,真的。
    2008-3-5
    23:11:00
    张至唯:
    這是我們唯一不寂寞的地方
    2008-3-5
    23:11:27
    My Dear Paranoid::
    但是每个人寂寞的样式不同
    2008-3-5
    23:11:39
    My Dear Paranoid::
    我的样式是快要死的状态
    2008-3-5
    23:11:53
    张至唯:
    真的嗎?
    2008-3-5
    23:12:00
    My Dear Paranoid::
    很难受很难受
    2008-3-5
    23:12:01
    张至唯:
    快要死的狀態?
    2008-3-5
    23:12:34
    My Dear Paranoid::
    好像你一个人在只有3平米的小岛上,什么也没有
    2008-3-5
    23:12:37
    My Dear Paranoid::
    很憋
    2008-3-5
    23:12:47
    张至唯:
    恩恩
    2008-3-5
    23:12:55
    张至唯:
    其實自己一個人
    2008-3-5
    23:13:02
    张至唯:
    就是一個很豐富的世界
    2008-3-5
    23:13:05
    张至唯:
    一個小宇宙
    2008-3-5
    23:13:11
    张至唯:
    不要忘了這點
    2008-3-5
    23:14:18
    My Dear Paranoid::
    但是我希望有人能看着我,就算我的这个小宇宙突然爆炸消失了,我也希望有人能知道
    2008-3-5
    23:19:24
    张至唯:

    2008-3-5
    23:19:25
    张至唯:
    我懂
    2008-3-5
    23:19:38
    张至唯:
    但是你希望的
    2008-3-5
    23:19:43
    张至唯:
    是有人在乎
    2008-3-5
    23:19:47
    张至唯:
    不只是知道吧
    2008-3-5
    23:20:02
    张至唯:
    因為其實很多人再你身邊的
    2008-3-5
    23:20:04
    My Dear Paranoid::
    恩 是的
    2008-3-5
    23:20:10
    张至唯:
    只是你習慣了
    2008-3-5
    23:20:16
    张至唯:
    覺得理所當然
    2008-3-5
    23:20:59
    My Dear Paranoid::
    但是每个人都有自己的生活,我希望我的生活里能有就一个人,能听我说话,分享我的所有一切
    2008-3-5
    23:21:02
    张至唯:
    每個人
    2008-3-5
    23:21:06
    张至唯:
    只是你要相信我
    2008-3-5
    23:21:07
    张至唯:
    都是脆弱的
    2008-3-5
    23:21:35
    张至唯:
    都希望有別人可以依靠
    2008-3-5
    23:21:44
    张至唯:
    可以幫忙解決那個寂寞的部份
    2008-3-5
    23:22:03
    张至唯:
    只是常常還是解決不掉
    2008-3-5
    23:22:40
    张至唯:
    另一個人的存在,只是像一盞燈,把寂寞的事實照的更清楚
    2008-3-5
    23:23:00
    张至唯:
    只是有時候這盞燈本身讓你可以暫時忘記
    2008-3-5
    23:23:14
    张至唯:
    有時候讓你願意接受
    2008-3-5
    23:23:28
    张至唯:
    但也有可能讓你更冷
    2008-3-5
    23:23:31
    张至唯:
    當然
    2008-3-5
    23:23:45
    张至唯:
    有時候你會因為自己的理由
    2008-3-5
    23:23:52
    张至唯:
    而把這盞燈熄滅
    2008-3-5
    23:24:02
    My Dear Paranoid::
    那我现在怎么办
    2008-3-5
    23:24:10
    张至唯:
    你現在能做的
    2008-3-5
    23:24:19
    张至唯:
    就是把自己顧好
    2008-3-5
    23:24:26
    张至唯:
    把自己顧的越好
    2008-3-5
    23:24:34
    张至唯:
    就越容易找到適合的那盞燈
    2008-3-5
    23:24:45
    张至唯:
    一起分享兩個人的寂寞
    2008-3-5
    23:25:02
    张至唯:
    一起面對無所不在的寂寞
    2008-3-5
    23:25:15
    张至唯:
    但是如果你一直抱著很大的寂寞
    2008-3-5
    23:25:24
    张至唯:
    像是一個快要溺斃的人
    2008-3-5
    23:25:31
    张至唯:
    緊抓著另一個人
    2008-3-5
    23:25:44
    张至唯:
    你就會把那盞燈吹熄
    2008-3-5
    23:25:51
    My Dear Paranoid::
    我懂了
    2008-3-5
    23:25:58
    张至唯:
    這樣即使你找到那個人
    2008-3-5
    23:26:07
    张至唯:
    你也無法維持你要的關係
    2008-3-5
    23:26:41
    My Dear Paranoid::
    谢谢你
    2008-3-5
    23:29:32
    张至唯:
    你看很多人身邊有人
    2008-3-5
    23:29:37
    张至唯:
    但也許你並不知道
    2008-3-5
    23:29:46
    张至唯:
    他們一起的關係
    2008-3-5
    23:29:54
    张至唯:
    是怎麼樣
    2008-3-5
    23:29:58
    张至唯:
    是不是你要的
    2008-3-5
    23:30:24
    张至唯:
    你是不是願意付出同樣的代價努力
    2008-3-5
    23:30:33
    张至唯:
    你是不是願意接受這樣的對方
    2008-3-5
    23:30:45
    张至唯:
    這些事很難說的
    2008-3-5
    23:30:49
    张至唯:
    再說
    2008-3-5
    23:30:57
    张至唯:
    你也不知道下一秒鐘
    2008-3-5
    23:31:04
    张至唯:
    他門是不是匯再一起
    2008-3-5
    23:31:06
    张至唯:
    或者
    2008-3-5
    23:31:19
    张至唯:
    他們有沒有彼此欺骗
    2008-3-5
    23:31:44
    张至唯:
    或者他們根本是一種短暫的開放的關係
    2008-3-5
    23:31:53
    张至唯:
    但這也是關係
    2008-3-5
    23:31:57
    张至唯:
    他們也可以很快樂
    2008-3-5
    23:32:05
    张至唯:
    只是你要不要
    2008-3-5
    23:32:46
    张至唯:
    我只能說
    2008-3-5
    23:32:56
    张至唯:
    有喜歡的人
    2008-3-5
    23:33:02
    张至唯:
    就去追求
    2008-3-5
    23:33:05
    张至唯:
    沒有
    2008-3-5
    23:33:15
    张至唯:
    就回來喜歡自己
    2008-3-5
    23:33:19
    张至唯:
    不要忘了自己
    2008-3-5
    23:33:24
    My Dear Paranoid:
    知道了
    2008-3-5
    23:33:52
    张至唯:
    寂寞是一種感覺
    2008-3-5
    23:34:01
    张至唯:
    感覺是比較之下
    2008-3-5
    23:34:04
    张至唯:
    才有的
    2008-3-5
    23:34:10
    张至唯:
    是一種失去
    2008-3-5
    23:34:16
    张至唯:
    不足
    2008-3-5
    23:34:26
    张至唯:
    但你並沒有不足
    2008-3-5
    23:34:39
    张至唯:
    因為你自己就是一個完整的世界
    2008-3-5
    23:34:47
    张至唯:
    其餘的都是多的
    2008-3-5
    23:34:50
    张至唯:
    有更好
    2008-3-5
    23:34:58
    张至唯:
    沒有也是很可能的
    2008-3-5
    23:35:40
    My Dear Paranoid:
    可是真的要等很长时间的吗?
    2008-3-5
    23:35:55
    张至唯:
    我不知道
    2008-3-5
    23:36:02
    张至唯:
    我已經四十幾歲了
    2008-3-5
    23:36:20
    张至唯:
    還是一個人
    2008-3-5
    23:36:46
    张至唯:
    但有人卻很容易
    2008-3-5
    23:36:58
    张至唯:
    就已經換了好幾個
    2008-3-5
    23:37:03
    张至唯:
    所以看人吧
    2008-3-5
    23:37:27
    张至唯:
    我相信你匯遇到疼你的人
    2008-3-5
    23:37:34
    张至唯:
    只是你要記得
    2008-3-5
    23:37:44
    张至唯:
    再怎麼可愛的人
    2008-3-5
    23:37:55
    张至唯:
    也要懂得照顧人
    2008-3-5
    23:38:10
    张至唯:
    彼此扶持
    2008-3-5
    23:38:19
    张至唯:
    否則關係不會持久
    2008-3-5
    23:38:28
    张至唯:
    就算你遇到一個寵你的人
    2008-3-5
    23:38:34
    张至唯:
    如果你不領情
    2008-3-5
    23:38:45
    张至唯:
    還是一樣沒用
    2008-3-5
    23:39:02
    张至唯:
    你享受不到那種你要的關係
    2008-3-5
    23:40:31
    My Dear Paranoid:
    我现在好多了
    2008-3-5
    23:41:49
    张至唯:

    2008-3-5
    23:41:52
    张至唯:
    不客氣
    2008-3-5
    23:42:00
    张至唯:
    我是走過來的人
    2008-3-5
    23:42:18
    张至唯:
    寂寞是不會致死的
    2008-3-5
    23:42:29
    张至唯:
    他任你漲的很難受
    2008-3-5
    23:42:34
    张至唯:
    但並不殺你
    2008-3-5
    23:42:43
    张至唯:
    你只能這樣活著
    2008-3-5
    23:43:00
    张至唯:
    但千萬不要中計
    2008-3-5
    23:43:17
    张至唯:
    慢慢體會寂寞的感受之後
    2008-3-5
    23:43:29
    张至唯:
    他就跟快樂依樣
    2008-3-5
    23:43:34
    张至唯:
    會有生命
    2008-3-5
    23:43:39
    张至唯:
    會升起
    2008-3-5
    23:43:42
    张至唯:
    會消失
    2008-3-5
    23:43:46
    张至唯:
    寂寞
    2008-3-5
    23:43:49
    张至唯:
    失落
    2008-3-5
    23:43:51
    张至唯:
    悲傷
    2008-3-5
    23:43:54
    张至唯:
    痛苦
    2008-3-5
    23:44:08
    张至唯:
    來自於拒絕讓快樂死去
    2008-3-5
    23:44:16
    张至唯:
    舊的快樂
    2008-3-5
    23:44:24
    张至唯:
    如果不死
    2008-3-5
    23:44:46
    张至唯:
    悲傷就不會真的升起
    2008-3-5
    23:44:54
    张至唯:
    悲傷沒有真的升起
    2008-3-5
    23:45:01
    张至唯:
    也就不會真的死去
    2008-3-5
    23:45:30
    张至唯:
    未出世的悲傷就只好跟著不願死的快樂
    2008-3-5
    23:45:33
    张至唯:
    一起存在
    2008-3-5
    23:45:36
    张至唯:
    糾纏
    2008-3-5
    23:45:41
    张至唯:
    你懂我的意思嗎?
    2008-3-5
    23:45:45
    My Dear Paranoid:
    懂的
    2008-3-5
    23:45:52
    张至唯:
    呵呵
    2008-3-5
    23:45:55
    张至唯:
    聰明的小孩
    2008-3-5
    23:46:16
    张至唯:
    聰明所以容易自找麻煩
    2008-3-5
    23:46:26
    张至唯:
    因為人生麻煩多
    2008-3-5
    23:46:35
    张至唯:
    笨人看不到
    2008-3-5
    23:46:39
    My Dear Paranoid:
    =,=

    Tuesday, March 4, 2008

    低潮

    回家的路上我一直重复地放着creep,从小到大都是这么偏执狂地喜欢什么样的东西就会一直喜欢下去,直到伤及到我,然后我还会流连忘返地慢慢放弃。在公车上神游,直到错过了目的地才把自己从想象的某个角落拉回来,我今天是真的很不开心,一切都是那么的不好,我试着用‘根源法’去找到让自己不开心的源头,试了一半之后我便收手,我怕真相会把我搞的更糟糕,于是我就把所有的情绪化都憋在心里。

    错过了公车,于是我爬上了出租车,10分钟后就是我的归属地

    包博赢了

    包博赢了,我脑袋里的另外一个疯狂的我被无限的内疚感给淹没了。于是我开始情绪低落

    Sunday, March 2, 2008

    doors are closed,windows are ...??

    I said good-bye to Jesse, i dont think i'm the right person that he wanted, i dont like always trying so hard to get close to him which is never succeed, and there are many things that i dont like to do anymore. so i totally shut down the door.

    The last day of CNY, S called me to hang out with, i was working late, and also tired, but didnt know why i accepted as usually i always find a bunch of excuses to refuse him. as it's been 6 months since last time i met him, and still good looking, but dont know why im always trying to escape something. we walked many blocks, took a big circle back to the department store, he invited me to his apartment, i said no, and Mr. Paranoid offered me many many excuses in 10 secs. when i was on the bus, for a sec, i had a little regret but ... anyway.